After two days of busyness, finally I woke up today with like nothing to do! Two days of endless visitors and visiting but am glad to meet up with my cousins and relatives. Most of them came back from overseas for this Lunar New Year. So, YES, it was fun meeting them, hearing their jokes, and also their mean sarcastic bazookas on each other!
There is this lil tradition of blackjack at my aunt’s place on the second day. LOL! As usual she will scoop every lil dime n penny on the table every year without miss. Never ever get excited even you are on 20! And on our side we’re so naïve to believe that this year the wind of luck will change. Earlier she will treat us family and friends at a restaurant so she calls this game of 21 as SUBSIDIZING! My arm still hurts from the Handball practice last week. Maybe that’s the reason I lost this year? We sure must do blame something if things aren’t going our way huh? LOL!
The biggest surprise of all, there was a special delivery for me all the way from London from my Aunt Doht and Uncle Barry! It was three items from THE ARMOURY, EMIRATES STADIUM. An ARSENAL jersey, scarf, and the Official Magazine! The jersey has a number 8 and with my surname on it. Isn’t it belonging to Samir Nasri? She said that she choose it for good luck for this CNY season. Couldn’t thank you enough A.D and U.B!
DARN! My mom just asked me to get ready for another dinner! GTG!
PS-Oh yeah, by the way, my ANG PAU this year did came a day earlier. It was the LARGEST ang pau value I’ll ever receive! It was from the 12th! Hahhahahaha
FINALLY, I did have the courage to call and ask her out. It was schedule at 3pm 14 January 2009, venueMidvalley, spot undecided. Just after meeting my supervisor, I rushed so that I’m not late for my most IMPORTANT day so far. It was already 3pm when I reached so I decided to meet her at STARBUCKS, The Gardens. Till now I couldn’t forget the way she dressed, with her top class in fashion which is obvious I don’t know anything about! And we did exchange the FIRST smile after so long of not meeting each other. She got herself an Ice Blended Espresso; myself an Ice Blended Java Chip.
It just felt so good just to meet her. I could go days just sitting down looking at her. After a few weeks of no contacts there lots to talk about. We just talked and talked, there’s MORE talk, AND MORE bla bla bla. MORE AND MORE bla bla bla. LOL! Talking seems natural between us. Enjoying each other company seems heaven. We exchange loads of laughter, told each other what we’ve been missing on each other lives. Things didn’t turn out the way I’ve expected. It was like the totally OPPOSITE. I couldn’t ask more than this!
In between, being her usual self, she has been complaining of stomachache! LOL! Many answers I’ve been long looking for had been answered. Then the unexpected happened, I SAID “I MISS YOU, I’VE BEEN MISSING YOU” right into her eyes. She greeted it with a smile but that is all I need. I just need an acknowledgement of some kind. The atmosphere was great, the songs were good, we manage spent sitting on that couch talking for more than 3 hours.
I told her I needed to do some Chinese New Year shopping so we decided to have a walk. I tried on a Hush Puppies three quarter pants she told me that the pants will be a hard match for shirts, so I KIV it. With all her knowledge of fashion, she tried to find me a long sleeve but to no avail as there is not a nice shirt available at the shop! HAHA! Went to NIKE to get my sandals but the size left was just UK12. So I guess there’s nothing I can get from there on that day.
Soon, her stomach come calling. Hence we decided to head back to The Garden for Sushi Zanmai. We ordered our usuals, and we did continue talking where we left of. Unfortunately, with the place and the love songs on air, it’s hard to concentrate talking to her when all the old memories came flushing back. Many thoughts are coming through my mind. After dinner, she had to rush back as she had other plans with her coursemates, and we ended our day with a HUG. A hug which I wish I could hold on FOREVER. A hug which I am CRAVING for more. A hug which I which was so MEANINGFUL to me that on that moment I strikes to me that I’ve made a SUPER HUGE mistake of waiting 24 days passing by without telling how I feel. Therefore, I’m not gonna make a mistake of even waiting for another day. I’m gonna wait till she gets back, and I’m gonna tell her I need her despite what had happened. All I can do now is hope for the best and keep my fingers crossed!
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
CAN YOU BE IN A STATE OF DENIAL WITHOUT EVEN REALISING IT?
Sigh. A friend once asked me how I am feeling. Am I disturbed as in confused/upset/angry/little of everything? Instinctively I replied “I don’t know what I’m feeling” I was just being honest not trying to hide my emotions, just couldn’t describe my feelings and was at total lost. I’m not refusing to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion.
It’s been quite sometime, now it occurs to me that am I or maybe a part of me is still denying what had happen?
Its FIVE days short of our FIVE years but that 5 years had been undeniably such a phenomenal time. Many days has passed us by, I AM missing you, this I won’t lie; I CAN’T lie it’s gonna hurt me. That day could be the saddest time to date. This is something I hate to do. This is the hardest letter that I had to make, and I hope this will be the last time I had to make one. I’m not writing this letter to talk about how you broke my heart into a million pieces but there are so many things I have to say, many questions left to be answered, differences to be settled. Every night, I’ve been sleeping with this weight on my chest, wondering when it will be less severe. I deserved to know the truth, for no matter how much the truth hurts, eventually, hopefully, it will be a remedy for the broken heart. It never came across my mind that this would be killing and that I would shed tears writing all this but I have to continue what I’ve started.
If u asked me to DESCRIBE you in words, I really can’t, because no words in this world could ever be used describe you. Your entry into my life breathed life to me. LOVING you has been like breathing to me. It seems natural, no extra efforts necessary. It wouldn’t be exaggerating if I say that all the flower blooms when I’m with you. I was enthralled by the beauty of your smile, the twinkle in your eyes, the passion of your kisses. Believe me when I say this, you have stamped your mark on me. You’ve always been there for me, THANK YOU for the extraordinary love you’ve poured onto me, which again no words could ever describe it. THANK YOU for all the untouchable memories you had given me. THANK YOU.
I MISS YOU Alicia.Lok.Yeong.Shih, just as I have in every moment in the last 1820 DAYS that I have been with you. My HEART was never really satisfied unless I was holding you in my arms. I have loved loving you and being loved by you. You took my hand and gently lead me through my blinds. You have grabbed hold of my love and embraced it like no one ever has. I can’t walk out just yet because I LOVE YOU too much baby! YOU meant the world to me. All I’m hoping for is that you’ll remember the song we cherished together “How Do I Live Without You” by Leanne Rimes.
I have so much EMOTION in my heart. I never thought this would happen, never thought that it would be over, that we would say our last goodbye. How? Why is this so? What seems to be so strong between us seemed so strong had been gone? I tried to change for you, trust me I did, but my efforts were not enough. I hope somehow, I made your life special, though I've not been perfect for you. And I’m SORRY I didn’t try harder. I’m SORRY for breaking your heart countless of times. Forgive me for all the wrongdoings, mistakes or even if you think that I didn’t love you enough. It was never my intention to disrespect or to make you cry or unhappy. ONLY IF, I wore a red cape, I would turn back time and done things differently. BUT, now u can count on me to be there for you when you needed me.
NOW, that you’ve gone I don’t know what to do. I’m at lost. I’m standing at a cross-road with no signboards, no one to lead me. The days would be bored empty; the nights would be lonely long. I’m so lonely when you’re not here with me; needless to say that MY LIFE wouldn’t be the same ever without you. SOMETHING SOMEPART OF ME IS GONE SOMEWHERE!
All-in-all, the path had been blurring for me even till now. Until I take the road not taken, I wouldn’t know what awaits me. When letting go becomes less painful than holding on, I’m learning slowly to let you go, but memories of you will always remain intact with me. Bet it’s never gonna be that simple maybe not anytime soon. As saying goes “You’ll never really appreciate it till you’ve lost it”. I’ve lost you as a LOVER; the last thing I wouldn’t ever want is to lose you as a friend. HOPEFULLY, I’ll have the courage and strength strong enough soon to call and talk to you. For now, I wish you Happiness and Joy.
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Yes, you read it rite. OH-MY-GOD! I couldn’t believe this day had come when I’m blogging my first ever post! Alan, are you SERIOUS? Been see-ing my roomie doing this all semester long, my elder bro posting his masterpiece on his blog, receiving tons of e-mail saying “he/she had updated his/her blog”. All this while I’ve been thinking isn’t blogging such a waste of time?
NEVERTHELESS prior to reading my friend’s blog, really changed my mind and perception. I began to wonder whether this is the best way of expressing me. So WTH with nothing to lose I’m just gonna try it. DISTRAUGHT? SAD? HAPPY? FRUSTRATED? EMO? No matter what emotion I’m feeling I’m just gonna put it in words, and hopefully one day I’ll read back n will have a good laugh!
WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU, ONLY JUST MAKES YOU STRONGER
BORROWED this quote from a friend of mine (if you’re reading this, please pleeeeeeeeease do not charge me! HAHA!) A simple motto yet it proves very meaningful and helpful all the way through my low. It lifted me just high enough to stand again. WAIT, did I say borrowed? I may keep it and not return it!!!lol…
ADRIAN, you really fill my life with cheer and laughter. I miss you very very much whenever I’m in KL. You can always be my ULTIMATE DISTRACTION! haha! BTW, practice harder in your Winning11 because I’m getting bored winning you all the time! LOL
Not forgetting my cousins, THANK YOU for the Singapore trip! What happened there really did open my eyes! THANK YOU!
Last but not least, to all my friends who had helped me through this glitch in my life, a million hugs n thanks for all the consoling and advice, the patients and cares you’ve shown, not to forget the shoulder for me to cry on, the ear for me to rant to. It will never go unnoticed. APRECIATE it very very much! In case you’re wondering - I AM FEELING VULNERABLE BUT AM STAYING TOUGH!!!
Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
'Cause it just seems to go bad everytime
Will I be mending?
Another one ending once again
Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No
